Something is wrong with us, especially me. I used to be proud of myself, I used to smile at something silly, I used to cook beautifully, I used to write passionately, I used to have a sense of achievement even for the smallest things, I used to enjoy watching TV, I used to be happy and most importantly self satisfied and self sustained.
I say us, because when we moved to Pennsylvania after Masters, we were both alone, the only person we knew was Rohini/Didi and I am so thankful for that. She helped us graduate from school life to work life. She took us along to meet some of her friends, but mostly we were content to be alone and we had tons of things to do and talk in between us. We used to roam in parks aimlessly, and appreciate the clouds, weather, amazing green grass and the sheer beauty of the day. We used to go to all possible libraries in our neighborhood, browsed the shelves for hours and would be grateful that my dad took me to the libraries as a kid. We used to go to fancy restaurants, dress up, drink, eat and be happy. We used to get up late weekend mornings, spend the whole 2 days aimlessly driving, listening to music, discussing, laughing, appreciating, crying; basically living our life in emotions.
All this is a thing of the past, as now a days we always look towards what needs to be done before we are in our late 30’s, its always we do not have this or that, its always striving. We take a break at home and than end up discussing, about our career, family or baby. We are in the lookout for the future, and the present is slipping by leaving us both so sad and worried. In our late 20’s, we did not have this sense of racing against time, but now every day is being counted for as again another day towards no progress in life.
We know we have changed and we do not like our pathetic selves, so we try to figure out the event or point of time that triggered this downfall. What are the few major events in the last 2 years, we went to live in India and came back, after which I changed my job. Maybe it is this event of going back to India that gave us an amazing experience, but you never come out of an event unscathed. There are many dreams that are better left as dreams and never turning them into reality. When you see the people you love changed, when you develop the surviving instincts to fight traffic, pollution, beauracracy, ideology and basic life; you give up a part of your simple self to more older, mature and practical self. Maybe that is the reason when you look at people who have faced hardships in their lives, you can almost touch the lines etched on the side of their eyes, you can feel the pain in their eyes, you can feel their hands and it would be worked, you can hear them talk and they would be cautious. This is my Masi who has faced challenges all her life, still smiling.
Time is irreversible.
I want to be at peace with myself, I want to take warm baths with nothingness on my mind; I want to be smiling and satisfied.
6 comments:
How similar, is what i thought when going through this blog post. I remember me and my W going through all these emotions. At one point, my thinking became clouded, i almost happened to have lost my quickness of thought, fluency of language et al. I think its the weight of all the unknowns bearing on our minds that beats us to such a state of mind. We were new to parenting, i messed up my driving record, son had health problems etc. But things have looked up a bit these days. We are planning to r2i and that brought me to your blog. Let me assure you that its a passing phase. We don't want to move out of our comfort zones, thats all. Once we set the wheels of change into motion, we will start adapting and then we would feel much better.
Thanks so much for understanding and relating to this, as sometimes we do feel quite alone in this journey. Where do you plan to r2i, let us know if you need any info. We may be failures at r2i, but we have our war scars, and maybe we will be better at it the next time.
The war scars bit is humorous. We are R2Ing to Bangalore, though we belong to Kerala. We used to be in Bangalore before R2Aing. The one consolation is that we already have a home there. And we are reading through others experiences to brace us for what's coming. Yeah, any advise is welcome!
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