I am scared .... Why?

Yesterday I had to give a presentation at work, and I was scared. I had all the logical reasoning to be scared: it was not my area of expertise and neither was it my comfort zone. I was presenting to hard-core “Cell Motility” crowd, a “Science” paper. To begin with, I do not even have clarity on what the above even means and having to present a “Science” paper, my advice to myself: kill yourself first.

In spite of it all, I did fine; I was satisfied with my presentation.

But the underlying fact did not change; I was scared to even get up in front of these experts and make a fool of myself. Previously, how many times, have I taken totally random topics and boldly went and spoke on it for how ever long. What has shifted in me?

Another incident, totally unrelated, every morning I walk to my office through the Hospital of University of Penn. There are some days when I see sick people around me, and that makes me so… scared. I am scared that I am growing old, and it is unavoidable that I will be there someday. Than immediately my thoughts move to my parents, they are even older, they are close to this stage than me …. and I am sad and scared. Everyone knows the next one, is this when my parents need me? Is this when family makes full circle.

Even taking smallest of all decisions, like I wanted new sneakers, I spent around 100$, but I was walking in them, I was scared they would not be the greatest pair of shoes I have. What if they are bad? What if 100$ gets wasted … I know it is OK, I keep saying that to myself, but in the back of my mind, I am scared of the WHAT IF.

This was not me say in my teen or twenties. I was this bold instant decision girl, who knew exactly what she liked, what she hated, She did not need anybody’s agreement on her decisions … they solely belonged to her. Than I met my husband and got married, and downfall of “Independent Girl” started and this “Scared Emotional Fool” took its place. Ask my husband which one he likes better and his response would be “ Independent Girl”…. As that is the person he fell in love with from a distance, but after a few minutes, I promise he will change his mind to “present me”. Ask me and my response is of immense sadness, as there are days when I stand in a shop for hours making a decision to which shoe or dress should I buy. I want him to be there, be a part of my decision, and than it will definitely be my decision, BUT with him.

Are all these above a sign of my weakness, have I changed over time. Yes, I do think I have changed over the course from my teen years to my thirties, but I do not think I have weakened. The opposite is true, I have become considerate of others thoughts and ideas. I have learned to share my life with everyone I love, and whom I call friends and family. It is tough to make my decisions, as they are tied to others. I am scared to go up and present on a random topic, as now I know how it is to be judged. Although many a times I say, I don’t care what others think or do; but inside I do care. I do at least want my closest friends and family to be rooting for me in my many steps of life.

I am scared of disapproval, and I am tired of fighting every step of my way. I am scared of loneliness, now that I know what is companionship. I am scared of death as I fear what will happen to those left behind me. I am scared of anything happening to him, as what will I do without him. I am scared that I may actually waste my time on this earth, doing nothing to satisfy myself. I am scared also of things less important: will I find the perfect house, will I ever find my dream job and actually do it and still consider it to be my dream job.

I am scared, as this is one of the many emotions, which grows with time. The older I get, I have a broader understanding of what is wrong with this world, what am I missing in life, what I can do and am not doing……