Sunday, June 21, 2009

Time Plot

Are you born with the same amount of confidence or does circumstance define it?
What defines you: work life, personal life, attitude or how you are bought up; which is the single most important factor?

I assumed myself to be from a very typical Indian middle class family; where dad has a government job, mom decided to share the burden and find her identity and became a teacher, one younger brother who would be busy fighting with you everyday.

Later in life, did I realize, typical for me, would mean exotic for some. All families are not equal, each has their best parts and worst so tightly wound in the genes of us 4 individuals. My family’s best part was what I had taken granted for eternity; extraordinary expression of love from my father, over practical strictness from my mother: that is the balance needed to maintain a family. But this behavior on my parents part, brought up the inevitable question: who is right? Who is spoiling the kids? Who did my brother and me love the most? Isn’t the answer obvious for a kid.

My parents lived in Andaman Islands, far far away from mainland India; we went for vacations to Calcutta every summer from Class 1-12. That is when I saw my extended family, that would mean meeting a few cousins and also maybe more of my mother’s side of the extended family than my dad’s; bottom line who would take the effort to come and meet us when we have been absent from somebody’s life for 11 months. That left a feeling in my heart about extended family/ relatives = Pain and Annoyance. For me family was never my cousins, never grandparents, never relatives; but only the 4 of us locked up in a bottle called Andaman.

My home gets replaced by my hostel, and slowly over the period of 4 years my single bed and one room in the hostel seems way more private and homely than what I had called home before. Going for 2 months vacation, would leave me longing for my space, loneliness, my cupboard for my clothes rather than my suitcase. I could be myself when I am away from my parents; I could THINK and thought it to be my independent ideas, thoughts and ideologies. What is it this teens that you believe you rule the world? Confidence plays see saw through these years, to eventually settle down to some manageable practical level.

Now is the time to find a job; there, real world catches with your fantasyland. First few days of job search I believed I can get any job, I am smart, my confidence was sinking inside, I had butterflies in my stomach, but still you say, market, bad timing etc. That is when you look towards your parent, who has been conveniently forgotten during the high times. My dad came along from Calcutta to Bombay, looking for jobs; and finally I landed up in a job opposite of my dream job, but at least it kept the money coming, all the time crushing my ego and my confidence into pieces. I think I knew it all along, but still did not break free for a few years. I was teaching in India, engineering college, final year students; I loved the interaction as you see part of yourself in them; than you question what are these students learning from me; how much more do I know. I am also an undergraduate, maybe passed out a few years before them. I had to break free of this; I would have killed myself completely if I had continued.

I took the flight to Columbia, South Carolina, USA. Did I think of its implications in my whole life? No. I just ran, and did not realize what my plans were; I lived for the next moment, maximum to the next day. It must be a really bad scary dream, as when I woke up in my bed in an apartment in Columbia, I could not hear anything, the air smelled foreign, the language sounded alien. But I am here at this point, take the next step, try to live, make this place part of your life. In its true sense I did make the next 2 years in South Carolina, part of my future. 2 life changing events took place, I met my husband and I got my Masters in Electrical Engineering. One carved my work life, the other made me ME again. I am thankful each and every day, that I married my friend, and made myself a family, my biggest confidence booster in decades to come. I cannot think how life would have been without discovering him, or if I missed him in life.

With my first job in industry came my needed confidence and the power to fulfill my dreams, as I finally made some money. I met many clients through my work, from diverse backgrounds technically and ethnically. I soaked up every interaction; I was on a roll to experience America first hand. I understood why America is considered a technological leader, I understood myself a little more, I gained confidence and with that come happiness and passion to think and paint a white canvas. Mind was on this adrenaline of achievement, fertile mind thinks more about more power, satisfaction and a life bound by your rules. Business ideas would charge us up; follow through may not always yield to results, but we knew we were young and we could do it.

Fueling our thoughts, our passion overcame our judgment, we uprooted ourselves and thought could replant in ourselves back in our known country India. Till date we question our decision, some days we give it the leeway of being a mistake, some days our hearts win, and we consider that 1 year spent in India to be a lifetime of experience.

During all of my life, many a points I did wish time to stop; at some other cross roads I expected time to fly. Neither happened, time took its own sweet time. That is exactly what happened, when one day I realized, time is ticking away anyways, without our acknowledgements. What about having a baby, did we forget, did we never give it its due importance? We think what are we after in life, what is it that will complete our existence, give our life meanings? We went to India in search of these answers, at this juncture we look back to our parents: we need them to complete our lives, or do they need us to complete theirs?

At some point, during this time plot, I do realize, we have to find a core in ourselves to complete us. Should we blame all of our not so great moments, dip in confidence to our parents, and how they bought us up or is it high time to take responsibility for one’s action. Shall we let our parents take all the credit for how our lives have turned out today? No, we cannot let that happen either, as too much time has passed since our brains and heart started functioning independently.

To defy myself, of all common sense, why do we wish to be with our parents, closest family, and friends? Will this give us the satisfaction we crave for? Will relationships matter more than 9-5 jobs? Can one be sacrificed for other: what am I giving away?